The World’s Funniest Real Ads

The World’s Funniest Real Ads
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Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

Facts About Old Men and Women

Facts About Old Men and Women

(onlyfunystories.com)

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Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she's with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?
A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'

The Most Embarrassing Moments Ever!

The Most Embarrassing Moments Ever!
(onlyfunystories.com)

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Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:

"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"

"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."

"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’

An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"

Cinderella Would Be Shocked

Cinderella Would Be Shocked

(onlyfunystories.com)

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Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, "The Best Comeback Line Ever"

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"

Smart Student

Smart Student

(onlyfunystories.com)

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The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

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Suicide Blonde Goes To The Hospital!

Suicide Blonde Goes To The Hospital!
(superlaugh.com)

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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor.
"You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

The Policeman's Ball

The Policeman's Ball

(superlaugh.com)

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A woman in a hurry to get her daughter to school on time was pulled over for speeding.

The mom smiled at her daughter and said "Don't worry dear! I can get out of this ticket."

The cop approached the car and he asked "Mam do you know why I pulled you over?" With a big smile she replied "Sure you are selling tickets to the policeman's ball."

He then said, "Mam, I am a State Trooper, we don't have balls."